How To Sober Up QUICKLY

16. únor 2026

Written by Simon Doherty

What is the best way to sober up QUICKLY? As in, if you’re on the sesh and you need to sober up for five minutes only, what’s the best strategy to go about that? That’s what this article is about. The classic example is if you got a bit too smashed at the pre-drinks and now you have to glide past a bouncer or doorpicker to get into a party. Your entire night out is hinging on this moment. A cohesive conversation is necessary to lubricate this process. And cohesive conversations are always easier if you’re… well, at least seem, sober(ish). So, how can you sober up, quickly, for five minutes, to get this past the line?

I posed this question to the internet and I received 248 responses. The ideas shared ranged from the perfectly reasonable (“drink orange juice”, “have a sugary drink”, “coffee”, and “take deep breaths”) to the, quite frankly, completely deranged (“fight a grizzly bear” which will apparently “100% sober you up in ten seconds”, “text your mum”, and “draw on practice from a young age coming home to your parents”.)

“What I do is practice a sober face and sober voice then ask my friend if I look sober,” one respondent explained. “It’s trial and error until I’m sober presenting,” they added. “Works every time and rarely takes longer than 40 seconds.” I guess practicing with a willing participant could be a shout, kind of like microdosing the real interaction before you get there. Someone else said “fall off your skateboard – sobers me up every time”, and another respondent advised me to “spin around a bunch in front of the bouncer and they’ll think you’re just dizzy”. I might try that last one out, one day. Although not today. Or tomorrow. (Or any time soon.)

Bump of Coke

Precisely 57 people suggested doing a bump of coke. It was by far the most common response with one person describing it as ‘The Emergency Bump’, another calling it ‘The Straightener’, another ‘The Leveller’. I guess there must be something in it, as so many people swear by it. But there are individual differences at play. For me (a man who hasn’t taken coke for ten years, since I discovered that it makes me so anxious that I sit in the corner and don’t speak to anyone) it would be counter-productive. Also, it’s not always a great idea to take a different drug to counteract the effects of the last one you took. For one, unless you have tested your drugs (using, for instance, an EZ Test kit), you don’t have even a clue what is in that baggie or how strong it is. Secondly, you can get into a cycle where you have to take more booze to brace the coke and even more coke to sober you up from the booze, like a pharmaceutical seesaw. You’re going to be smashed.

I do worry that the 57 people who suggested this simply do not understand how obvious it is when someone has taken coke. In fact, the only person who doesn’t know just how blatantly obvious it is when someone is coke-d up is the person coke-d up themselves. And that’s because they’re too busy smoking cigarettes like a steam train and telling everyone, repeatedly and without prompt, about their plans to start a business in Dubai.

But, then again, there must be something in it if so many people suggest it. The people have spoken. So, unless you're one of those people who turns into a foghorn of belligerence when you’re on coke (people who always have arguments with taxi drivers, for instance, or get all rankled if they can’t take their drink outside) perhaps this could be a feasible strategy. But if this is your option, you need to make sure you intentionally reduce the volume of your statements by 30%. I call coke the 30/30/30 drug. Because when someone is on it, their volume rises by 30%, the ideas that they are espousing become 30% less cohesive, and they edge 30% into your personal space.

Ket

One person responded to this question with the most nonsensical and factually inaccurate statement I’ve seen in recent times: “Ketamine can make one appear more sober at least.” That person, reader, isn’t only wrong. They’re wrong with wrong sauce drizzled all over the top. Unless you’ve only had a hamster’s eyelash of ket and not a molecule more, you’re going to look like you got dragged backwards through a squat party.

Ket is a drug so powerful that I’ve seen a fully grown man having a conversation with Marvel film characters on the TV, a look of befuddlement etched deep into his face when he thought he was being asked to save the world (“WHY MEEE?????”). I’ve observed ketty people trying their house key in the lock again and again but failing to open their front door, until the police arrived and informed them that not only were they at the wrong house but they weren’t even on the right street. Someone, ket-ed up in the deepest way, once told me that they just discovered a way of “turning ket into gold”. That would have been a nice earner if it was real and the mastermind behind the scheme wasn’t stuck in a waffle loop. This is the extreme end of ketty-ness, yes. But it serves to illustrate that ket is simply not a substance that you want to take to make you look less hammered. You’re better off sprinting downhill into a concrete wall than taking k to look sober, to be honest.

The ‘Lock In’ Method

I think the secret to navigating this situation starts at the pre-drinks as soon as you realise that you’ve overdone it. Firstly: stop drinking booze or taking other drugs, for now. There’s plenty of time to hurl yourself into the sesh once you’re in the club. Drink a full pint of water (15 people recommended this) and find a banana to scoff. It’s astonishing just how effective the pint of water/banana combo is, that can solve most problems.

Go to the toilet, splash water on your face (seven people recommended this), and have a second to gather your thoughts (aka locking the fuck in, which was mentioned by six people). I think it’s good advice, creating the mental resilience to get this mission completed. One person advised to “fill up a bucket with ice and dunk your head in it”. That’s great, but nah – it’s going to make you look all disheveled before you get there.

Shut Up

Arrive at the club door after midnight. Arrive with one or two people max (split the group up if you have to and pretend you don’t know the other factions until you're inside). Arrive with a good vibe and a smile. Then, say the following statement before shutting your mouth and saying nothing further, “Hello mate, how’s it going? You alright?” Don’t just bluster in disregarding the bouncer, that’s the worst thing to do because some might see that as an affront to their ego and scrutinize you more. But once you’ve got the pleasantries out of the way, stop talking, I can’t stress this enough; it’s often pretty easy to feign sober-ness, but only for about three minutes, the longer it goes on the more chance you will be exposed as the thirsty sesh gremlin you are.

If you could get through without saying anything at all, I would advise that. But that’s not possible. So, say the least you can. I know, I know – this can be difficult sometimes because there are certain drugs (such as: alcohol, coke, and MDMA) that make people want to talk and talk and talk and talk until they fall asleep or start hyperventilating.

But for now just smile, nod, and keep quiet. The smile is important; you need to look like you’re not going to cause any issues and you’re going to add to the party, not take away from the vibe, like a vampiric mood hoover. So, remember: just say, “Hello mate, how’s it going? You alright?” Wait to be allowed in. Slowly walk in. Once you’re inside all bets are off – you can dance, drink, and get on it until the morning’s cruel rays make an appearance to mock your soft, battered soul.

Talking too much can give the game away. When I was younger I was so unemployed and hopelessly skint that my friends and I used to sneak into festivals wearing makeshift ‘security’ outfits. It was a simple enough scam: Buy a high-viz, head to a back alley printing shop in Whitechapel, and get them to emblazon the words ‘SECURITY’ and some meaningless numbers, like ‘401’, across it. Then, once you complete the look with creative props (a broken radio found in a skip, an old wristband from a bygone festival, a DIY lanyard) you’re pretty much good to go. Two of us went to one once at Finsbury Park in 2018 both wearing the same uniform, both marching through the staff entrance. I walked past, nodded at the security, and said “alright?”, but never stopped my stride. I advanced forward until I was in the middle of the dancefloor shoving my uniform into a backpack. My friend wasn’t successful: He stopped and spoke to the security, coming up with some nonsense about working on “The Blue Camp”. They sussed and bounced him, for being fake. What was the difference between the two approaches? One person talked too much and the other didn’t.

A Full-On K Hole

Good luck, I’m a writer not a miracle worker. If this is you, perhaps it’s best to take the advice of the four people who provided the following suggestion: go home.

Thanks to all who participated in this article.